When I was a Kid #1 : The Changing Dream

Now I am 21. I'm getting bigger. Many good things and bad things happen in my life journey.

Now,

I understand more difficult phrases; I met people from vary ethnic groups; I ate  different taste of foods; my heart feels many kind of new feeling like hope, fear, worry, passion; I brave enough to travelling alone; I met some extraordinary personality of person; my brain start to think logic on money & future; my working is guided by confining rules; my life is on the straight track; what I always see in front of my eyes is targets.

It sounds tiring, right? I realize something important is lost. Something that can make us feels the freedom, flying, no rules, no restriction. It is the precious imagination.

That's the reason why I want to start this series of story. This is the story where I still dont know what geology is or  why people so worry about getting much money. This is the pure me.

1.                        When I was a kid, I have several of dream job or goal. The first I want to be a scientist. I was interested in natural science and act like I understand biology and physic. That's affected by an American  cartoon show titled E= mC², with the major character is a scientist girl name Emma C². What a weird name. Emma experiencing many adventure and help her friends through the knowledge she has. Her brain was brilliant and I liked to see her in action. I usually did the experiment I knew from Bobo magazine.

                                                                                       

2.                        My other dream job is to be an architect. This when was at 4th - 5th grade of elementary. My drawing not really good, but not bad either. The reason is becaused of my favorite magazine 'Bobo' often gave a bonus for several edition such a set of mini town called 'Kota Kelinci'.  The set comprise of one base ground of the city made from glossy carton, then the houses, bridge, restourant, school, and trees made from cork which we should arrange by our self.  Other building-like bonus was  'market bobo'. It made from carton, comprise of one shopping trolley, then many different  goods was available. Me and my brother loved to play those sets. Then this dream was getting bigger. I created a small two floor terraced house from carton. The house complete with the interior design. There was a curtained window, a little photo frame, a set of soft sofa made from cotton. The second floor was for bedroom. My creativity seems raised again. The next I had an idea to create a map of my village. I didn't know if that kind of work belong to architectural work or not. That planitary map consist of every small roads and houses in my village with the name of my buddies on each house, I didn't forget to plot the mosque and the school on the map.

                                                       "Keluarga kelinci" on Bobo magazine

3.                        Someday my neighbour brought a notebook contain a story the adventure of a kid and a bee. It's one of greatest story I've ever read that time. The writer is his sister. I admire his sister a lot. I always thought she's a genius. Her drawing was excellent . I often imitated her japanese comic girl drawing. She schooled in best school in Klaten. She's the one who introduced me with hollywood movie when I was at 3rd grade. That's when I finnally wanted to be a writer. I tried to make some short story. But I never finished any storry well. I wasn't  a good writer. Then I started other hobby, create comic book on my notebook. My friend told me that it was good, but it never finished too.

 I used to had a lot of barbie cards collection. The cards size was 4 x 5 cm. I bought them from the school yard.  Then I created a barbie album. One page for one barbie and I also gave the name & comment for each barbie.  In my 6th grade, inspired by Bobo I created my own magazine. I forgot the name. The size was only 7 x 15 cm. The content is : a fairy tale, a short story, a crossed riddle, general knowledge, a short fact, and an 'imagination test' quiz plus a coupon inside to join the quiz. What a funny. The only one who read my magazine was my young brother.  And that was the last time I show my desire to be a writer.

But I still loved to read. The first novel I read titled 'Nabi Muhammad'. It's 300 pages. I read it when I was at the 3rd grade, then continued with Harry Potter and the soccerer's stone. I always curious with my father's book shelves. There was a lot of bussiness book, though my father was one of the worst bussinessman ever. I read those kind of book too without knowing the actual meaning. It just because there's no other book. But my father sometimes bought story book from his office (elementary school).

4.                        This was just an imaginary dream job. I always wanted to be a spy. The word 'adventure' was my favorite. I imagined using advanced technology to fight the crime. Using the  weapon, armed with the multifunction wacth and glasses, operate  jet plane, decoding, fight with kung fu. This was inspired by Spy Kid movie released in 2001, at my 5th grade. I like the role of Carmen on that movie. She's smart and cool. Carmen also had a young brother like me.  My other imaginary job was to be a hero like in the cartoon. I created Clow Card like in the Card Captor Sakura, I draw angel for each card according to the card name, for example : Rain Card, Music Card, Fly Card, Jump Card, etc.

 I couldn't remember the other story.... I'll write again in the next post.

A Boredom And A Positive Person

Almost  one year I didn't write for this blog. Now am I changing or what? Sure I do, I believe that every person must change in every second of their step,  not to be another person but a better person.

Let's check about my condition now :

What I feel now is a huge boredom. A super duper boredom, caused by my own choice to have a lot of extra spare time. Never in my mind I thought that studying in geology could have this kind of situation. In  this 7th semester, I only take one subject - Petroleum geochemistry - I interested in petroleum basically, and also the nice lecturer. Beside that one subject, I also take my mini thesis to accomplish my undergraduate degree study. My topic is rather unusual. It's about the origin of lithology used in Borobudur temple. I fight against my self to decide whether this topic is right or wrong for me, maybe I'll tell about it later.

The point of all of it, is that formally I only go to campus one day in a week! It's my beautiful Tuesday which I will meet my friends and my awesome lecturer, hearing stunning explanation about petroleum system and it's geochemistry. Beside Tuesday, I have no persist schedule. With the natural behaviour of mine that actually  I'm a lazy girl, I almost doing nothing in my daily, except watch movies and read novels. Plus, this semester stupidly I'm not taking any  opportunity to be assistant in laboratory like I did last semester.  What was I thinking? Tired of learning...? I never tired of learning , but the burden in learning environment sometime  heavier than the learning it self.  Studying should be just light and fun.

Than I want to take an English course to help me learn conversation formally. But I still need other activity. One different that I realize on my psychology is, that now I feel like I want to meet as many people as I can, talk and smile to more person. I hate doing nothing in my room. It's different if I remember that usually I always deny on people rather than come to them gladly and smile. By the way I learnt this from someone, a dancer I watch in American 'so you think you can dance'. She always smiling sincerely with her heart, and her smile is so loud that it spread fast to the room and then everyone  also smiling  too. Her smile is affecting. She said she is a positive person, who always laugh and smile, think positive on anything. For me it's a damn inspiration. I try to learn from everything I met in  life.

Okay, that's why this course is not enough, but I have no other idea how to spent my lot-of-spare time.  Other choice, is  the library. Of course I have to go there many times looking for references. But who will I meet in there? a little of other students and thousands of books.

My head could have explode by now, if I'm not considering poring this to my blog. Explode of boredom.

I used to want to immediately graduate or go away from this campus. I still want to, but..  There's something I have to do first before someday I leave. Something is missing and I have to find it soon. Something I have to take away on my ride.

Some View From Songs...

Now I got two old song from Joss stone that I think the lyric could be an inspiration to anyone. If you don't know the song, simply read the lyric is enough to show the power of these song. Well, the first titled, " Right to be wrong". Coincidently I found this song after my KL (Kuliah Lapangan) lecturer check out my KL poster for first consultation before the poster be displayed in about the next 2 weeks. And he found too many mistakes on my work, althoughI think I had already done it as good as I can. He detailly check it and scratched many part of it with his pen to correct it. Almost in all sections had something wrong on it. Yes, I look awfully stupid that time. But this is very important since KL is 4 SKS (credits) and cost 5 million in average. I wont give a damn or too puzzled if it isn't cost that expensive. I realized I had a willing to be an expert, but the way I am now is too far from that hope. Then I googling the full lyric of the song and, it help me to little bit recover.

"Right To Be Wrong"

I've got a right to be wrong
My mistakes will make me strong
I'm stepping out into the great unknown
I'm feeling wings though I've never flown
I've got a mind of my own
I'm flesh and blood to the bone
I'm not made of stoneGot a right to be wrong
So just leave me alone

I've got a right to be wrong
I've been held down too long
I've got to break free
So I can finally breathe
I've got a right to be wrongGot to sing my own song
I might be singing out of key
But it sure feels good to me
Got a right to be wrong
So just leave me alone

You're entitled to your opinionBut it's really my decision
I can't turn back I'm on a mission
If you care don't you dare blur my vision
Let me be all that I can be
Don't smother me with negativity
Whatever's out there waiting for me
I'm going to faced it willingly

I've got a right to be wrongMy mistakes will make me strong
I'm stepping out into the great unknown
I'm feeling wings though I've never flown
I've got a mind of my own
Flesh and blood to the bone
See, I'm not made of stone
I've got a right to be wrongSo just leave me alone

I've got a right to be wrong
I've been held down to long
I've got to break free
So I can finally breathe
I've got a right to be wrongGot to sing my own song
I might be singing out of key
But it sure feels good to me
I've got a right to be wrong
So just leave me alone


Joss stone

Okay, the second song is really deep if we read it when we feel like we're having so much burden we can't carry on longer. So sad and melow, I wish I have no reason to vivify it according to my real life experience. But here the sadness is somehow beautiful. I don't know, just check it..

"Sleep Like A Child"

Tonight when the darkness comes
Why don't we treat it like a friend
Then we'll both be glad to see the night
And we'll be hoping
It's never going to end

So don't be afraid of what the night-time may bring
You must understand that you can dream of anything

[Chorus:]
So fall into sleep
Peaceful and deep
And may this journey help you fly
When you can't hold out much longer
Don't you cry
When the darkness is getting stronger
Sleep like a child
Peaceful and deep
And when you lay you down
I pray your soul to keep
Sleep like a child
Peaceful and deep
And I when you lay you down
I pray your soul to keep

You won't be alone
For I will not be denied
Under the darkest of skies
I'm gunna be by your side

[Chorus]

Well I know
I can see it in your eyes
You're tired of fighting everyday
Trying to struggle through the night
Yes I know that it's hard to carry on
So just lay down your head
And in your dreams you will be strong

Sleep like a child
Peaceful and deep
And when you lay you down
I pray your soul to keep
Oh like a child
Peaceful and deep

Sleep like a child
Peaceful and deep
And I when you lay you down
I pray your soul to keep

The Great Ability to Wake Up

I’m not talking about wake up from sleeping, instead wake up from suffering, down, break, depress and escape from tiring life. What a lucky person to have such great ability. Such person won’t often feel sad and embarased for too long. One way to do it is forgetting suck thing that had happened although it’s never easy. My treatment of forgetting things is by drowning my self into busy day. Doing business we like makes everythings seems okay.
Well, this semester we learn 8 interesting subject. Analitic Stratigraphy; Geologic Research Methode; Religion; Geology of Indonesia; Philosophy of Knowledge; Igneous and Metamorphic Petrology; Geo Gomputation; and Geo Chemistry. This 5th smester is kind of a free half year. Yes we are busy of maintaining our KL data analysis, interpretation and of course data visualization, but in the other hand our lecturing schedule’s containing many spare time. And I take anvantage of it by being an asistant in Dynamic Geology Laboratory for Basic Geology subject. This new hit likely taking over my time badly. I ‘m assist about 120 new student to help them recognize the basic principle of geology. Wondering how apparently I really enjoy explaining everything I’m capable of. Explaining’s fun. Looking at those innocent face, recall me back into my early year of struggling in geology. They get everything easier now, how could they still busy of beefing this and that too. If only they knew what happened to my first semester. But these days, I realize something that perhaps very related to comfortable feeling. That is, to be appreciated, to be respected. I love to share my knowledge to them, my ability being appreciated. I never perceive being appreciated like this before. Really never.

Then, I’ve a plan to make my days even busier by learning spain. I thought spain’s the best choice considering it’s the easiest foreign language to learn for a zero newbie. I realize perhaps Franc or Deuch is more popular and widely used here, but remembering the difficulty of those two language I think it’s really hard to master. Anyway, Spain’s more beautiful to hear, and simple to learn, that my target is to master at least 2/3 of it in less than 2 year. I wonder if my plan will going right or the opposite. I know this is good for me, and the point is I want to get busier than now.

Actually, I’ve one more responsibility to be a guide or asistant for islamic sharing group in my campus. It’s okay for me to talk or speech in front of those new students, but to talk about Islam? Despite of it could be a positive business, but, I don’t think I could. My position now is currently farther from God, if I compare with when I was in senior high where I was so excited to learn holy Quran everyday. I’m not reading Quran everyday now. Also I completely aware that my sholat’s not as good as in my past which I was being so humble and khusyuk in communicating with God. This is awfuly bad degradation, I know. And if I stay like this, sure will be very dangerous for my afterlife. I’m feeling emptiness. In my deepest, I do really want to change, yet I perceive dont know where to start. I’ve to wake up from this first. Thats why I reject the invitation to be the guide, and nevertheless I want more time to handle my KL data.

By far, after more than two year studying here, finally I understand how this world could strictly turn us up and down in a certain period of time. Because, this is the world of chalenge, where demand is everywhere. We can’t just acting like a kid with no responsibility to be completed, which our duty is just to play outside the house with our friends and then laugh. The world outside the house now could killing us softly by it’s hardness. When the world seems unfair and I feel uneasy of everything, I’ll just remember that the terrible won’t last forever. God won’t ever let us feel sad for to long. That’s what I believe now. All I got to do is find a way to cure my self when something bad happened. Like what I’ve told before. I really need the ability.

Hammer on My Left Waist

I see my self this time. I'm a geological engineering student and I got to deal with the hardness of field work, though honestly I feel I'm not really own a high sensitivity on anything related to the field. So how could I survive on this kind of work? Let's see how time would help me, as I see it needs a long experiences and filedtrips on many more geologically challenging places. Anywhere in Indonesia seems like incredible places to learn geology . Thankfully we have a complete packet already containing vulcanoes, mountainering , valleys, streams & rivers, cliffs, lake, beach with dunes or coral, caves and outcrops, that available and waiting unpatiently to be observed.

This mind bother me after I undergo Kuliah Lapangan Program which include 12 days KL Bayat, 3 days regional geology excursion on at least passing accros two basin (Yogyakarta Basin and East Java Basin), and the last was Individual Geological Mapping located in 65 different kavlings for each student. My kavling was at Padas Subdistrict, Ngawi, East Java. In this program we taught how to work as a real geologist, and definitelly it much harder than theories we used to learn at class. Some lessons I captured were that geology's an expensive work so that we must have a strong dicipline and hard work, no beefing, not afraid of hot or rainy weather or even extreme field, and pay attention on field data accuracy. How important the data is like keep the data as keep our soul! Hah..

Many lecturers involved in this program, they taught us how to use compass for measuring the strike and dip of rock bedding also for determining our exact location by shooting two possitions of points in front of us that recognizable on topographic map; then how to use hammer for rock sampling; noting and plotting datas we got from the field including morphology, petrology and structural geology datas; next was doing measured stratigraphic for detail analysis and interpretation of depositional environment, the age of rock and also integrated historical geologi.

Geo Hammer: One Weapon for Geologist

In Bayat we once again introduced about "tired" as one of geologist bestfriend. We walked all day long on our mapping area with the widht of 2 x 2 km from 7 am until 5 pm for about 10 days. My legs was felt like going to broken. My back was never as painful as it was. Yeah, mostly Bayat felt like a hell for me, especially the earlier days. As usual, I didn't feel comfort with such a thing, that's why I always got to bed earlier compared to other girls. But, a lot of memories I can remember from that 12 days.

The following program was regional geologic excursion . We had trips around Yogyakarta, Wonosari, Kendeng Zone, Rembang Zone and the surrounding. It was quite relaxing, not as heavy as in Bayat. We just came into one stop site, doing a little observation and then hearing explanations from lecturer, and moved to another stop sites. I prefer to record the explanation than to made notes, as I mentioned before that I was very easy to get tired or get sleepy when the day hot, and then my concentration and focus were gone, my mind think slower and bla bla, especially when I worked in group, things are different when I worked individualy that I could only depend on my self, it push me to stay awake and focus.... huft, yeah I don't know that Geology could be this difficult. Anyhow, I'm really proud to bring hammer on left waist, and say, I'm a field worker!.... :D

And finally we had arrived to the most important part, that is individual geologic mapping. I'm so lucky to had my own porter to help me doing my mapping. He gots everything easier, starting from driving me during the proccess, help me memorize the strange little paths wandering the forest, until sampling many rocks to be observed more precissely on campus laboratories (Optical Geology & Paleontology Labs). My group comprise of five people. We're living for about 12 days in a comfortable basecamp in Bringin Subsdistrict. I love to be together with them, basically we're all some sort of lazy people (but we all had high intention to be smarter J) that lined up in one appropriate group. I really feel comfort with that fact, because I hate to be pressed, I want to get free and relax in a while too. But it's still long long way to go until this mapping fully done. Data processing is my next challenge to comprehends all that I got from the field. The presentation will be held at Desember or January next year if I'm not mistaken. Hopefully everything will going right for me.

Here in this mapping , I'm helped and guided by one of my lecturer that I think He's awesome and great regarding his fantastic life experience. I always love hearing stories like that. It felt like fairytales to me, but could give me inspiration and more power to confidently moving foward better reaching what I deserve to. Questions often bugging my head, something like," will I be like him", or, "look at your self now, what's on earth to make you feel like you are going to enter one of that Big Fishes? Or even the small one!!". To be honnest I feel like having nothing to be sell to them. Yes I have, I meant, I now how my self is, but it's hard to show my energy up. Reading in many geologist blogs, it seems that entering geology is very promissing decision, but for me it also frightening and fearing. Or probably I just hate the demand. Anyway, life's full of demand, isn't it? Eventhough underpressure life is something that definitely being a burden to my shoulder, but sometimes I have an excited time enjoying adrenaline rush living under that burden. I'll going crazy if I think negatively all the time, right? Push and push positive mind to stay survive.. :)

The Morning of 27th May

Four years ago, I still on my sweet dream sleeping - even it was already 6 am - when I finally woken up by huge trill felt like tens of giant elephants running through my side yard. I didn’t realize what happened yet until I felt dusts falling me from the upstairs, when I looked up I saw clearly the high wall of my room was terribly shakes forward and backward. My eyes suddenly wide open and my body forced to moving fast, jump from my bed, I run and run as fast as I could like crazy. Like something going to kill me. My house is typical large old fashioned Javanese house, and with the condition of such urgent situation it felt really took long time for me to reach the door to get outside. I swear. When I run on the hall, I saw all goods were messed up and mussy so I jump over the goods. The hall was very bright and full of sun light since it no longer had roof attached. The roof was fly over everywhere due to the shake of the earthquacke. Then, I got to pass the kitchen to get outside. When I was there I found no one, and stupidly I thought “Where’s everyone? Am I actually the only one who live on earth?”, hah, I was so insane. I don’t know how to explain but the situation in the house was very very silence eventhough the sound of the trill was like a trucks parade. Then, finally I could get out after hearthstopping minutes of struggle to stay survive. Apparently everyone has got out before me, my family forgot that I was still inside when everybody already outside. My nighbours especially the mothers were crying and hugging each other and said “Allahuakbar” many times. They put their worth goods like electronics outside the house.

In that point, I still unrealize how big the earthquacke was. I thought it was just the same as before. Until I decide to went inside again to find some drink or maybe continue my sleep because I really felt tired. Afterwards, when I open the door to get inside I felt really shocked! like the earth was no longer rotating on it axis! I saw my living room no longer had a separator wall between living room and family room. I swear the wall was very long and it all collapse, just leaving behind thousand of clay bricks and dust. Then I understood something, fortunatelly the wall collapse to the right direction. If it collapse to the left, it supposed to hit me when I run along the hall. Thank’s God. But, I couldn’t believe. My place to live since I was a baby was broke down. It miserably messed up! All the cupboard and the table, chairs and everything were fall down and collapse. I never saw my house that horrible before. At that point, I realize that it was real disaster!
I canceled to get into the house. Instead, apparently my father was nowhere! Everyone panic and worry if my father was in the collapse wall. But Alhamdulillah he saved, resting in the back yard because he couldn’t walk, his asthma relapse.

Very soon, in the unstable condition sudddenly people heard news that the earthquacke will create a tsunami and the wave was on it’s way heading our local position! Then my mind was fullfilled by the photograph of the chilling Aceh’s tsunami disaster. I couldn’t think clearly anymore. It was the most horrible situation that I ever had. Everyone’s looked pale and speechless like receiving a real death message. Honestly, I really scared at that moment. The headmaster of our villlage shouting and asking everyone to leave the house and quickly move to the higher place – Gunung Mudjil – using motorcycle or averything available. I know this seems ridiculous, but if you at the same position you will understand how real and scary it was. Later, I was ready with my motorcylcle and helmet. I asked my father to join me, together find higher place, but he kept on his decicion not to leave the house. He worried about the safety of our goods, hah, my father! How could he thought about saving goods? Saving life is the first importance for sure! Several minutes I persuaded him to leave, but he persistent “ I’ll hold on the branch if the wave come”, he said. What? Didn’t he think that the speed of tsunami could reach km? Then what a branch was for?

And finally I leave him. My mother together with other mother prefer to walk to the big mosque of ours, because we know a mosque in Aceh could stand still until the wave over. She brought only blanket and pillow. My old brother ride motorcycle too. Then I realize my young brother was gone. I searched for him in the crowded but no result. Nobody knows where he was. All I could do was pray for his safety. My eyes was staring forward, curious and wondering if it would end up alright or the opposite. Right before we were ready to leave, a police truck came along and stop us with a speaker. He said that the tsunami was only rubbish issue. The 5, 6 richter scale “Yogyakarta earthquacke” was unable to create a tsunami to our position which located at the valley with mountainering all around which could hold on the wave. Even the magnitude was big enough, but the depth also great so we could neglected tsunami threat. Afterward, We all could breath relievely.

Earthquacke is a pulsation or vibration that caused by subduction plate (in case between Australian oceanic plate and Eurasia continental plate ) which wedging each other, so the energy accumulated at the wedging area. And eventually when the energy release, will create a sudden movement of the plate that cause pulsation. The vibration magnitude will spreads as circle wave reaching as far as it can until the energy of the wave become slower and slower. How big the earthquacke felt extremely depend on how far and deep the hiposentrum and also kind of basement lithology under our house. It will feels more shaky if the basement lithology is loose sediment, not hard rock. Just observe at google earth, clearly we live above subduction zone, be aware that earthquacke can happen anytime with any unpredictable magnitude. There’s no invention today can explain precisely where and what time an earthquacke will happend. It’s difficult to learn the tention of tectonic plate activities. But, nothing is imposible, someday who knows?

The earthquacke responsible for many failure houses and several injured people in my village. Starting from that day, everything was never be the same again. The continuation earthquacke keep happening. At evening my brother and I take some trip arround, nobody brave enough to stay inside the house even until several days after. Each family slept and cooked on the veranda, with no light at all. No longer after, many help came from other area bringing us blanket, instant noodles, tents, and other food. I never imagine before that I would receive such help in term of disaster. We also got money from government to recover the houses.
Well....that’s my story, about one horrible incident. Eventhough, I really gratefull for the safety of my family.